I've always seen myself as the person my friends come to with their problems; that I was the support they all needed and I took pride in that. Unfortunately its the opposite. A friend of mine has betrayed me twice now. Even after I told her how I felt after the first time, she did it again. I saw her today at a concert for the first time in about a month. We didn't talk. We just stood on opposite sides of the group and avoided looking at each other. She used to call me the best guy friend she had on campus. What a sham. What a fake. I haven't felt this ill toward someone in a long ass time. Anyway, the point is I actually counted on her for support. I wanted to be around her when I was sad. I didn't know where else to look. My best friend had a girlfriend and I didn't want to get in the way.
In her defense, I must admit that the betrayal I speak of is rather selfish. She called me one of her best friends, but she never set aside time for me. She's just like every other girl I thought I was close to. If I didn't make plans with her months in advance then there was just no time for me. Even if I did make plans or ask for a favor, she'd forget and move on. No apologies. Nothing. Just silence as she waited for me to make contact again so she could repeat the process.
As I move further into my college life, it feels as if everyone is doing their own thing now. I haven't made many new friends, just kept the old. But the old keep moving further away and have no time for me. My self-image was that of being strong for everyone around me. I don't think I could have been more wrong. I am not strong for my friends, I am strong because of them. Everyday I feel weaker.
The last time I saw that female friend before the concert was after visiting my mother in the hospital. It wasn't serious, but a trip to the hospital never ends subtly. Its only the spark to a chain of problems arising. I invited the female to come with me to my sister's to play Rock Band. It was fun, but the entire time my sister kept insulting me and saying things to hurt me, jokingly I'm sure. Still, I'm obviously not as strong as I thought. She commented on a photo of us in which we were having a good time and getting along saying that it was unusual for us to get along well. She has no idea how much I love her. My mother is now talking about divorcing my father. I need my sister to confide in.
When we were younger I always thought my sister was weak. She was picked on in school and at one point in time checked herself into the hospital for psychiatric purposes. But now, she's so far ahead of me. It's easy to see how much stronger she is. My mother can even see it. She told my sister all about the fights with my father and thinking about divorce. I was left in the dark until my sister told me. I asked my mom why she didn't tell me and she claimed it was because I have a lot to deal with and she didn't want to bother me. Yet she told my sister who, on top of college, has a job with nearly 30 hours a week. I think the real reason is because if she talked to me about it I would try to defend my father. I hate the idea of divorce, especially within my own family. To a certain point, I will try my hardest to keep my family together. My sister isn't a big fan of my father so she has no problem promoting the divorce.
Everyone's moving toward change, but I'm in freeze frame. A little bit of emo? Looks like I over did it a bit.
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